Have you ever heard of the term “bamboozle” or “to be bamboozled?” Well, it’s basically a super silly way of saying “to be fooled” or downright hoodwinked! Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure Joey Tribiani invented the word. The point is, I feel straight up bamboozled by Game of Thrones right now! After two admittedly mediocre episodes that set up seemingly inconsequential storylines and debuted some ahem, interesting? character choices, Thrones gave us a finale pretty much worth the begrudging energy it took to watch the previous two. Not to mention— although it did leave a spare few gaps in logic in it’s wake— the episode basically explained away all of the apparent nonsense it set up the past couple of weeks. Oh you hated that Tyrion and Jaimie talked for 3 seconds 2 episodes ago? Here’s a much longer, emotionally satisfying scene between the two! Loathed that Arya & Sansa storyline? Watch them both kill someone you f*cking hate! Not super into Bran’s borderline bratty behavior despite being an all-knowing beacon of information who could clear up a lot of misunderstandings? Here he is revealing the most important (and least well-kept) secret of the show’s mythos! And honestly, that just covers the surface of the well of satisfying moments in this episode. Mix that with a lil’ bit of the now signature Thrones’ craziness and we’ve got ourselves a delectable episode of television! Ahhhhhhhh I slept good last night, guys. It’s good to be here. It’s good to see you. Let’s. do. this.
The episode began with a stand-off between both the unsullied army and Dothraki facing the sturdy walls of Highgarden with both Jaime and Bronn holding it down. But wait, was this Highgarden? Pretty sure I saw King’s Landing in the background. Are both locales that close to one another? Jaime and Bronn couldn’t get over that the unsullied were d*ckless, but the point was Dany and her horde were arriving to King’s-High-Garden-Landing whatever? King’s Landing for sure!
“We’re progressive and we know it.”
This episode was NOT messing around about getting all of these characters in one scene together, so next thing we knew we were seeing Tyrion, Jon, and the rest of their crew sailing into the harbor of the Capital. Before arriving though, we got to see The Hound check in on that pesky lil’ white walker locked up below deck. The white walker was so cranky!
“Spring Break: King’s Landing ’17”
“How’s my lil’ buddy doin?”
Meanwhile, Cersei was preparing for the arrival of her besties. No, just kidding, everyone to be in attendance straight up hated her guts and this was not lost on her. So, she told Sir Franken-Gregor to murder everyone if things got out of hand. It’s good to have a back up plan! Jaime did not look pleased.
“I’ll wink if I want you to MURDER, OK GREAT!”
Then, we got a GOOD walk-and-talk of Tyrion, Jon, and crew in route to the Dragon pit, where this iconic meeting would be taking place. You could tell they were looking forward to marking a new tic on the historic timeline of Westerosi lore. Actually nope, they were all just super noivous!
“Does anybody else have dry mouth rn?”
Bronn showed up to escort the crew to the pit, and the glorious reunions began. Tyrion was happy to see his boys Podrick and Bronn, offering Bronn a significant raise in pay if he joined Dany’s resistance, while The Hound and Brienne were pushing through the awkwardness of how they last met— fighting each other to almost-death with scary murder eyes. Brienne informed him that Arya was safe (and a badass) and The Hound seemed pleased with this information. The Hound has a big, swelling heart, ya’ll.
“Almost murdering each other isn’t that awkward.”
Everyone arrived to the Dragon pit, and it was overall intimidating. The queens, lords, and their followers would be sitting center-stage under rich, Lannister-colored tapestry, surrounded by the crumbled, yet stately looking colosseum. This was not a routine office meeting, no sir! As the evil queen, Cersei was going to play up the drama (until it would be bested) by arriving fashionably late, leaving everyone shaking in their boots over fear of an ambush.
“Okay but where’s the coffee and oreos?”
But alas, that would not be the case. Cersei strolled in with Franken-Gregor and Jaime at her sides and a regiment of guards and Yuron Greyjoy in her wake. Suddnely, everyone was making 2 second glances at each other brimmed with either pure hatred or awkward uncertainty. There was a lot packed into these mere glances and side-eyes and I appreciated it very much. This meeting was about to be AWKO TACO, my friends.
“SIKE! WE HERE.”
“Love myself, but hate pretty much everyone here tbh.”
So yeah, Cersei thought she had arrived fashionably late but unfortunately for her Dany arrived even more fashionably late, and on a Dragon to boot! Her entrance was prolonged, clumsy, and hilarious. Not to mention that long walk from the edge of the colosseum to center-stage! Cersei. was. fuming.
“Heeeeeeeey guys sorry I am late that is so like me!”
“I’m more of a centaur person, myself. “
It was time to break the ice, and who better to do that than fan-anointed wordsmith, Tyrion. But not so fast! Yoron Greyjoy had some very problematic things to say: first he called out Theon to swear his allegiance to him, then he started saying discriminatory dwarf things to Tyrion. Ugh! Get this guy outta here! Cersei and Jamie made him sit his a** down.
“MAKE WESTEROS GREAT AGAIN.”
Tryion laid out the ground work: they all hated each other, but they would not be there if they wanted to further the depths of this hatred. It was time to team up. Jon briefed Cersei on the white walker sitch, but she mostly just found it and him hilarious. Which, fair enough. Cersei then questioned whether she should enter a truce with a “would-be” usurper. How was she supposed to team up with someone whose ultimate goal was her fall and destruction? Again, fair enough. Tyrion understood this though and decided it was time to put their money where their mouth was. Cersei was about to see a pesky lil’ white walker!
“WHY should I trust any of ya’ll?”
The Hound unleashed the rascal and it went straight for Cersei, because of course it did! The general mood in the arena was pure disgust and terror at the moaning, blood thirsty zombie. Truly, the look on Cersei’s face was nothing short of disbelief and astonishment at the grotesque thing. It seemed like this was going to be a mission accomplished.
“My legs and back are so toned now!”
“Me hungry for CERSEI LANNISTER! BOO!”
“Am I lunch?”
Everyone wanted a piece of this zombie though! The Hound started battling it for sport, and Cersei’s wizard sidekick swooped in and started playing with the walker’s arm, which was now animatronically moving of it’s own accord. That’s when Jon came in and started his powerpoint presentation: 2 Easy Fool-Proof Ways to Kill White Walkers. Cersei was being an attentive yet admittedly shocked student. Who knew her professor would be so good looking and hunky!?
“There will be no recess if we can’t stay focused!”
The effect was immediate. Yorun Greyjoy was fleeing for the Iron Islands after learning the walkers cannot swim and advising Dany to return to her island as well. Cersei wasn’t down with that though and admitted that the walkers WERE the true enemy at that very moment. I buy the “seeing-is-believing” rational behind getting enemies to fight the walkers now, I buy it so hard. Cersei had one condition though: Jon could not side with any of the warring factions of Westeros, and he was to remain where he belonged in the North. Then came the most head-smacking moment equivalent to watching someone spoil a surprise party: Jon told Cersei he already bent the knee to Dany. GROAN. Cersei was flat-out disgusted, left at the drop of a dime, and wished them all luck with the murderous ice zombies. JON BLEW IT!
“Do ya’ll speak honor becasue I’m about to speak it.”
It was downright hilarious seeing Dany, Tyrion, and Davos tell Jon how retrospectively dumb he just was. It felt so middle-school project gone very wrong! I did feel bad for Jon though; it must be tough being the annoyingly honorable person all of the time. It probably would’ve helped if he realized he was being truthful to a lady that speaks solely in lies though. But it was too late, and there was no time for embarrassment (he was SO embarrassed!). Tyrion felt the only way to turn this around would be him having a one-on-one with Cersei (!), and with the crew’s blessing, he went.
“That was truly dumb and NOT hot of you!”
From here came a nice little scene of Jaime wishing Tryion luck before he entered Cersei’s chambers. Despite everything, these brothers still really love each other and gosh darnit that’s something to applaud in this f*cked up family. Jaime seemed to be getting worn out by Cersei’s dramatics (about time, dude!).
“<3 you bro."
As Tyrion walked towards Cersei they might as well have put a “For Your Consideration…” banner in the bottom right corner of our TVs, because yes, this scene was Emmy worthy on both sides, but mostly on Lena Heady’s end. Her desire to be ruthless in the face of Tyrion but ultimate failure to do so was captivating and layered so yeah, go ahead and give her all the awards, Emmys!
“Let’s act the f*ck out of this.”
But anyway, despite the hilarity behind how obviously award worthy this scene was, it had a lot of ground to cover. Tyrion tried to explain his rational behind killing their father, but Cersei was having none of it. To her, Tyrion was the catalyst that brought chaos and enemies to King’s Landing, resulting in the deaths of Myrcella and Tommen. There was a straight up crazy moment where Tyrion double-dog dared Cersei to end him right then and there, but she chickened out, unable to give Franken-Gregor the order (so good!).
*EVEN better acting*
From there, Tyrion walked over to the wine (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA CLASSIC TYRION!) and poured them both a glass after guzzling his own first. He was truly sorry for the loss of her two youngest; He loved them and she knew it. But still, Cersei could not help but see their demise in the eyes of Tyrion. She did not give a sh*t about protecting the people of Westeros; the only thing she ever cared about was keeping the ones she loved—the ones that matter— alive. Well, this was where she let down her armor and exposed her soft belly, literally and figuratively. As she rubbed her stomach, it was clear to Tyrion that Cersei was PREGNANT AF, and therefore served as the only reason she would want to help wage this war with the walkers.
“I’m doing very well of hiding the fact that I’m pregnant!”
Cut back to Dany, Jon, and crew just chilling in the Dragon Pit like it’s free period. Jon and Dany got to talking about the fall of Dragons and the Targaryen legacy between strained moments of sexual tension and mutual attraction. They both feared what was next, but Dany was grateful for knowing Jon despite what may occur and despite his huge f*ck up earlier. It’s safe to say these two were to be keeping the Targaryen legacy ALIVE AND WELL. LOL! Ew.
“They wouldn’t make us frick later would they?”
Then, Tyrion returned and although at first seemingly alone, Cersei and her posse were making a humble re-entrance after their initial dramatic exit. That takes guts! Her return was swift and powerful: her armies would march north with them to face the Great War without any assurances from any of them. WOW! Chills!
“Don’t get it twisted: still hate you all.”
After all of that good stuff it was time to head back to the sh*ttiness that was the Winterfell storyline, but wait!: The storyline was GOOD in this finale. Littlefinger was continuing to “advise” Sansa and Sansa was feeling more and more trepidatious about Arya’s presence in Winerfell AND about Jon’s allegiance to Dany. Arya was an assasin and the WORST thing she could want is Sansa dead and to be named Lady of Winterfell (according to Littlefinger). “YOU’RE SMARTHER THAN THIS SANSA!” we all shouted at our TVS. It seemed these sisters were really going to turn against each other (kind of!)
“Sansa, I am the man with the plan.”
Later, Arya was called into the Great Hall, where apparently she was going to DIE? Well, okay, we knew that couldn’t possibly happen, so there had to be something up but what was it!? As soon as Sansa was done with the preliminary speech, the script was done flipped on who else but the sneaky snake himself, Lord Peter Baelish: was he ready to answer to his crimes? GASP. I wasn’t completely shocked but I was pleased, friends. Finally no more of Baelish’s raspy a** voice trying to convince our heroes to concoct dumb plans.
“Sansa, what’s my line again?”
Bran, Sansa, and Arya laid out the receipts for Peter and all of the Lords in attendance. Peter Baelish literally started the entire conflict between the Starks and Lannisters and had done nothing but scheme and murder his way through various houses. As abrupt as it was, it was amazing seeing these three finally WORK TOGETHER this season. So satisfying. So with that—and Peter squirming around in a panic like the slug he is— Sansa gave the command and Arya slit his throat in one fell motion. Peter Baelish was dead. Hallelujah! F*ck that gross guy.
“NOT MY RASPY VOICE!”
“Murder is scary but this one was worth it!”
Perched at the top of the castle, Sansa and Arya were recapping the eventful day! It was the first sweet moment between the two in a LONG time. Arya assured Sansa that it was her who defeated Baelish even though she swung the knife and I agree with that mostly! Sansa outsmarted Baelish, and that meant truly winning against him. Who knows how long these two have been on the same side but I guess who cares? This was worth the painstaking, petty arguing they were doing for two super long episodes. The mention of their father was also very satisfying and reminded me of the firm roots this show and family stand on. STARKS FOREVA!
“FEMMES OVER EVERYTHING.”
Back at Dragonstone, the gang was hashing out traveling and car-pooling plans for the trip up north. Ya know, stuff like who would ride with who, who was making a playlist, and who would be bringing snacks. Ser Jorah wanted Dany to ride her dragon north as to avoid being killed by a courageous specator. Jon, on the other hand, thought Dany and himself arriving together would send a better message to the northmen. Dany chose Jon! TEAM JON! EW JK IT’S SO GROSS.
“Should I tell her I’ve been getting in to water polo?”
As Jon was getting ready to pack the car, he ran into Theon in the Queen’s hall. This was a great scene. Theon still felt very guilty for all of the murder and betrayal he did to the Stark family. Jon, being who he is, talked Theon off a ledge and forgave him for his truly messed up behavior. He also reminded him that he didn’t have to choose a house: He was a Grejoy AND a Stark. Amazing! And interesting!
“Just tell me I’m trash.”
So with that pep-talk Theon went to reclaim what little was left of his dignity and rally his troops to save Yara. One guy was not buying it though and found Theon to be a coward, so it was going to take a fight to the death to prove himself. Theon basically drooled and flailed all over this guy—it was a hot mess of a fight— but he was victorious after getting kicked in his groin where there was no issue because he was d*ckless! Alfie Allen is so good in my opinion as Theon and I also really like the Iron Islands theme music. So this was a good scene! They were off to save Yara.
“TAKE THIS AND THAT AND THIS!”
Wrapping up in King’s Landing, Jaime was READY AS HELL to go help Tyrion and fight for Westeros in the North but ah ah ah not so fast said Queen Cersei. It turns out, Cersei had not totally succumbed to Tyrion’s whims and had other plans; She was going to utilize the Iron Bank and some mercenary army called the Golden Company in Essos in order to ambush her enemies when the time came. It turns out that Yuron Greyjoy was actually on his way there now. Jaime was D O N E done and could not believe what he was hearing. The plan was stupid and came from a place of deep, inexplicable hatred and evil and he wanted no part in it! He attempted to leave but not before Cersei threatened to kill his a**. Jaime scoffed at that prospect and uh, I kinda thought he was gonna die? But thankfully it was all just hubris and Jaime was able to make a quick escape. BYE CERSEI.
“Did you not read Jon’s pamphelt!?”
“Just can’t seem to murder my bros :/.”
The penultimate scene of the episode was both cool and disturbing. We got Bran chilling fireside telling Sam Tarly (who had just arrived) of Jon’s true parentage AND Jon’s real name: AEGON Targaryen. Wow! The two pieced together that Rhager Targaryen and Lyanna Stark were married in secret, meaning that Robert’s rebellion was based on a lie. A great reveal but the disturbing part of it all was that it was cross-cut with scenes of Jon and Dany f*cking! What in G’s name!? I don’t know what we were supposed to think of all of that, but I was about 90% grossed out, 10% looking at Jon’s butt. Like was it supposed to be romantic? Were we supposed to be horrified? Feel bad for them? Who knows, but great for DB Weiss and David Benioff for making incest COOL again! Can’t wait for your show about the confederacy, guys! YOU’RE KILLING IT! But yeah, weird weird borderline straight out of a sociopath’s fan fiction type of scene. Who knows what this storyline is to bring.
“I’ve got the tea.”
*NOT THE SAME, SHOW*
LAST BUT NOT LEAST, we got a truly mesmerizing scene of the Night King and his white walkers reaching Eastwatch and using their newly-minted ICE DRAGON to destroy that section of the wall with some magical-icy-lightning breath. It was like disaster movie CGI, but the good kind, and you could really feel the doom of it all. These walkers made it past the wall. Winter was here. Now to see what our heroes and beloved enemies will do in the face of REAL ZOMBIE HORROR.
“Ugh, demo’s the best part!”
“We’re just going for a more ‘open’ concept.”
This season of Game of Thrones was evolutionary for the show. We saw glimpses of it in the occasional hokiness of season 4, 5, AND 6, but this season the show leaned in as hard it could into high-fantasy, dropping a lot of the scenes that focused more on political strategy and the machinations of rulership, and instead on FUN stuff like ice-breathing dragons, narratively impossible locale shifts, and incest? Huh? So yeah about 2/7ths of it was not great, but when it relied on the solid roots this show developed in its first three seasons, it was breathtaking. This episode gave us whacky in some scenes, but mostly gave us pay offs that were long due and super satisfying as a result. It didn’t matter how we got there in the end, because now the show is heading full throttle into its biggest war yet and there’s really no looking back (this is a lie obviously because we will be rewatching on HBOGo until season 7 premieres, do not listen to me). Point is, Game of Thrones has 6 episodes to wrap this craziness up, and we are ALL going to watch, even the haters. Although this finale didn’t quite reach the heights of last year’s phenomenal one, it came pretty da*n close and that IS ENOUGH for all of us. So lock yourself up in your room, bring like 5 bags of chips incase you get hungry, and turn on GoT season 1, because it’s gonna be a long 10 months. OKAY SEE YA.